Pornography permeates into many relationships based on its’ sheer abundance and availability. There is no inherent problem to watching pornography and if porn is used to aid in loosening sexual inhibitions or as means of rekindling intimacy, it can be a wonderful tool for partners.  This isn’t, however, its’ intended purpose, and conflict may arise when porn is introduced leaving partners feeling cheated, undervalued and insufficient. 

The following list addresses how pornography is a poor template for sexual encounters and relational connectedness:

1.     Porn is predictable.  Because pornography leaves little to the imagination, the eroticism one may experience with a sexual partner is gone.  A live sexual encounter allows room for fantasy and imagination, which can enhance a sexual experience. In porn, fantasy is limited to identifying oneself within the image on the screen.

2.     Porn is deliberate.  Watching pornography requires focused, conscious attention to its’ display.  It also transmits a message of using another, by the act of watching, for the purpose of self-gratification. This is unlike a natural sexual engagement, which allows for a temporary and mutual loss of self in another person. Such encounters are most authentic when partners feel safe enough to expose themselves without reservation.  

3.     Porn is alienating. Porn allows someone to quite literally create several barriers to a sexual experience. Not only is porn generally watched without another person in private, watching bodies engaged in sexual activity on a screen creates a distanced relationship between the viewer and the scene.

4.     Porn is passive. When one watches porn, they take on the role of an assistant, aiding pornography in its’ intent to arouse. There is a voyeuristic flavor to this purpose, unlike an interactional sexual experience between partners. Sex is not intended for people to use one another, nor is it meant to veer toward solo masturbation, as porn frequently does.

5.     Porn is paradoxical. There is an interesting contradiction set up with pornography, watching an intimate situation between two (or more) people together, alone.

6.     Porn is limitless. Sexual acts demonstrated in pornography push boundaries and while this is meant to excite, it also creates an illusion that encounters don’t have or need limitations. This completely discounts the importance of establishing and enforcing boundaries in relational sex, and the necessity for attunement with a sexual partner to ensure an experience is mutually pleasant.

7.     Porn is partial. The person watching gets to determine the effectiveness of the screened encounter based on their level of physiological sensation. This is unlike a real life sexual interaction where performance is determined by the level of all partners’ satisfaction.

8.     Porn is ubiquitous.  Porn can be found everywhere with little effort or investment.  This is hardly true of relationships. Not only does it take time to find a relatable partner, significant effort goes into fostering and maintaining a connection, and meeting the needs of another person. Porn, on the other hand, doesn’t require any contribution from its’ viewer whatsoever. 

9.     Porn goes on and on. Porn leads to arousal but leaves nothing to be desired. Relationships thrive on spontaneity, excitement and growth. With porn, the principle is always the same even after sorting through the variety of available categories.

10.  Porn isn’t about people. It isn’t meant to be. The focus of porn is on behavior. Unlike pornography, relationships are about each individual that make up a unit. Relationships don’t go far with a preoccupation on sexual mechanics.  

Porn isn’t going away and calls for conversation. A critical reflection on its’ meaning and use is imperative to understanding its’ significance to partners, and its’ impact on relationships. 

Source: Cole, G.W. (2011). A Strange invitation: On the Ordinary Problem of Pornography. Studies in Gender and Sexuality, 12, 254-267.